Self Help Guide for Men – 5 Lessons that help when Being Alone

This self help guide for men teaches you five lessons that are surely gonna help you cope with loneliness.

One of the loneliest feelings you can encounter is when others do not fully understand a very complex problem in your life. They say “a problem shared is a problem halved,” except when you share it, and no one gets it!

Building skills for resilience can get you through when you are going it alone. Maybe you have an embarrassing issue, or you can’t convey the exact details of your dilemma. Perhaps the people around cannot relate as they have never faced what you have.

Whatever the reason, it can lead to a sense of aloneness that almost outweighs the original problem.

Here are some lessons to help you cope when being alone and especially when you might be the only one who understands the whole picture.

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Lesson One – Friends and Family May Not Understand

It might be a hard lesson for some, but friends and family may not be able to relate to your situation. They may not be in a position to help, financially or emotionally. Family and friends may not be the best option for help sometimes. They can inadvertently cause more harm.

It may be their judgment of the situation or yourself; making assumptions can lead to a reluctance to speak out or an increase in your already hopeless feelings. 

The more attempts you make to explain and fail, the more despondent you become. It can be demoralizing when those closest to you don’t appear to care. You find yourself saying “nobody understands me“.

It can especially be true if you have lived with a problem and not spoken up for a long time. You now have to convince people that your problem is real. Have you heard statements like ‘I don’t remember that?‘ or ‘I can’t believe what you are saying?’

This lack of understanding can further isolate you. Shameful or embarrassing situations can make it difficult to get understanding and support, not least because you may not want to disclose personal details to those closest to you. Maybe in your case, you do not have anyone to talk to at all. You might be estranged from family or have few real friends.

Accepting that family and friends may not be there for you can release you from disappointment. You might find professionals, or even strangers, who can listen to you a little better anyway, without judgement.

Lesson Two – You are Responsible for You

What if you cannot find anyone at all to help? At the end of the day, no one is responsible for you except you. Waiting for someone to ‘rescue‘ you and see your crisis may stop you from moving forward. After all, only you have all the data and details of your life and what you have experienced. 

It is a little unrealistic to expect others to fully comprehend our experience, let alone when it involves many layers of complexity. Your problem may have been present for years. It may be so complex that no one can comprehend it. Sometimes, if you wait for others to lead you out of difficulty, you become stuck. People can inadvertently minimise your situation and offer over-simplified responses like ‘why don’t u just leave?’ or, ‘have you tried…’

People want to help, but there is only so much they can understand or want to do. Agencies or authorities, for example, often have limited ability or scope of operation to help with a complex issue. 

As discussed earlier, friends and family sometimes see your distress and try their best.  However, it can be upsetting when you cannot get anyone to listen as you frantically reel off the desperate nature of the situation.

When you finally realize the cavalry is not coming and it’s up to you now – it can be a relief. You do not need to explain anymore! The start of your recovery is no longer reliant on others’ comprehension.

Lesson Three – It’s Your Fight

So now you know it’s ultimately down to you to fight for yourself. It’s okay – you are the one with the experience.  The fight is yours – Not a lawyer’s, a family member or an organization. It’s yours. 

If you have support, great, but if you do not, then remember this point. Sometimes we rely on people we pay or engage, to conduct the entire fight for us. But even paid representatives are only invested in our outcome up to a point.

A therapist cannot fight for you. They have other clients, professional boundaries and their own life. A lawyer will fight but often not go over and above to get justice.  You may have to do the bulk of the research, even when you pay!

These realities are better to understand upfront than learn later. Sometimes we forget our problems are relative.  There may be something external that supersedes your circumstances, however dire your situation may be (i.e. Covid, natural disaster etc.). 

The film The Guilty with Jake Gyllenhaal depicts this well. Because a wildfire dominated everyone’s attention, a concurrent situation in the film received little time, resources or empathy. Even if you think your situation is the worst possible, it is still down to you to fight for yourself. Become your own warrior!

Lesson Four – Gain Power by Going Alone

Once you grasp the concept of being alone, a great thing can happen.

A feeling of immense personal power can appear. The feeling that if you do not like something in your life, you can do something about it!

As mentioned above, if you cannot find anyone to understand, then stop trying. Stop explaining yourself. No one but you can understand your situation in full detail.  You are the only one who can make a decision anyway. The consequences are yours.

However you manage to deal with communicating your situation, great things can follow when you are free from explaining the story. You may start to see the way out. You might find support in the right places.  You can begin to break the problem down into its parts. 

What does it matter if no one understands, ever? You still experienced something, right? The path out appears, and you can set about following it. Remember – your situation is temporary. It will not be your life situation forever. Remember this each time roadblocks appear.

Also, everyone has their own way of dealing with roadblocks. If you are one such person who finds apps useful for personal growth, you should check out these 7 Apps for Self Improvement, & Care.

Lesson Five – Make Decisions

Realizing you are alone makes you focus very quickly, stop waiting for others, move ahead and make decisions to start the ‘business’ of recovery.

Now you are no longer waiting for help or waiting for compassion, you can move ahead and fight for yourself. If you are responsible for yourself, then the decisions about your life are yours too. Sure, recovery from a complex problem is not linear. You may make the ‘wrong’ decision at times.  But the main thing is that you alone are making it.

Being alone with your problem is now not a problem! By building personal resilience in the face of a lack of understanding, you are giving yourself a great chance. You can act on your own behalf and eventually ‘save yourself.’