“My marriage ended – therefore, it failed?”
Have you ever talked about your relationship in these terms?
After all, divorce is the end point of a ‘failed’ marriage.
Or is it?
Is divorce actually a sign of a healthy decision? Or just a recognition of a couple’s incompatibility?
Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes it can be necessary to remove yourself or family members from danger and harm.
But it’s worth rethinking the assumptions behind a divorce, even if it’s to feel better when you are alone and ‘reminiscing’ about ‘good’ times.
Talking Points
Why get married?
I frequently ask myself why people get married. Of course, there are legal, financial or logistical reasons.
In some counties, marriage is still the cornerstone of society, so the question of ‘why’ seems absurd to many.
Nowadays, unmarried couples are recognised by the law, largely ignored by society and allowed to live freely without (much) judgment.
So what are personal reasons to finalise a relationship? What compels you to stay with someone when you meet them and promise to be bound together forever?
Relationship complexity
One big problem with marriage is the assumptions and expectations that come along with defining the relationship.
Relationships can get quite complicated without proper definitions of what we expect from each other. Also, without healthy communication, it can take an ugly turn and may result in separation or divorce.
However, in any case, the ability to deal with conflict and communicate the point of view remains the key governing factor of the resolution. But sometimes, the damage to a relationship can’t be repaired, and it’s better to end it.
Divorce – A start, not an end
Divorce is often frowned upon in our society. However, it should be seen as a mature way to resolve conflict among people in marriage.
A broken marriage can wreak havoc on the couple and the most vulnerable part of the family, the children.
Instead of carrying on with mutual anger and frustration that can foster a damaging environment for the impressionable minds of the kids, it is in their best interest that the couple seek separation.
In a modern context, divorce is becoming more of a norm in dealing with marriage breakdowns.
Sometimes, it can get ugly, especially when one side seems unreasonable.
Legal matters and the court system can take their toll on people seeking a divorce. Issues of alimony and child custody can further sour the relationship between the couple.
It’s more pertinent than ever that our society starts seeing divorce in a new light.
Divorce should be taken as a grownup response rather than associated with stigmas. It’s a sign of a mature understanding rather than the end of a sacred institution.
Fall out of Divorce- Not everything is rosy
Divorce is essentially a tell-tale sign that the relationship cannot be maintained, no matter whose fault it is.
Toxic partners, hardships of life like financial stress, loss and grief or a simple misunderstanding can break a relationship.
Sometimes it’s no one’s fault, and people end up before a judge, signing the dreaded papers.
The entire process of divorce can end up ruining your plans for the future and leave your personal life in disarray.
The legal process is sometimes painfully slow. Court dates can become quite detrimental to health and well-being, especially if there is an unresolved issue of alimony, child custody, or both.
Maintaining your mental fitness during this phase becomes quite essential.
A divorce can put immense pressure on your mental peace and financial and physical strain. Most people do not take divorce lightly, even if it’s the best option. After a while, it becomes essential to turn your focus to recovery.
Recovering from Divorce
For some people, divorce can be a draining process.
It can make one emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted. Legal complications and other issues can also upset your personal and professional life.
So, focusing on recovery and restarting life after divorce is essential.
Although it may feel wrong, focusing on yourself and your mind and body can be your first priority after a divorce.
A divorce shouldn’t be taken as a sign you be forever alone and remain single or that you are not suited for relationships or companionships.
A divorce is an opportunity that some people don’t get – a chance to restart your life in a different direction. It is an opportunity to change your life priorities, work on your communication skills, establish or improve your boundaries, and work on your expectations.
Making a plan to rejuvenate yourself from a divorce can go a long way in improving your life after a divorce. You can start by making an honest list of what went wrong as a couple, individually and the elements that led to the divorce.
A detailed, comprehensive and honest self-audit can help you to avoid the same mistakes in future relationships.
It can also give you an insight into any personality issues or hidden trauma you might have encountered that you failed to notice.
Also See– Struggling with Money? Know the 2 underlying issues
Divorce and Children
A divorce has far-reaching effects on children in a broken family. Parents must ensure that the entire divorce process doesn’t turn into a traumatic series of events for the children. Proper communication with the children, including them in the conversation about the separation and custody and maturely explaining concepts to them, can help in the transition.
Shared custody can become a difficult thing to manage for the children. Parents should prioritise the needs of their children above their personal needs or wants.
For children, a divorce between the parents often becomes a stigma among their friends’ circle, even though divorces are becoming more common. For them, a divorce is also a sign of a failed family that can leave scars on their impressionable minds and even traumatise them, affecting their future relationships.
However, it may also be a case of divorce being the preferred outcome and a relief for all family members. If the conflicts are too great, the divorce can be seen in a positive light (with respect to the previous family dynamics).
Society’s Responsibility
Not just the parents but society as a whole should take the children of divorced parents as a shared responsibility. Marriage is still an important cultural element and part of our social institutions. Its failure should be taken as a social responsibility.
Better understanding and mutual respect can help the people affected by divorces to rebuild their lives and turn a new leaf.
Divorce is common nowadays; the stigma is slowly receding, and with mature, reasonable parties, often the better outcome for all.
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Harsh is the founder of menPsyche. He enjoys using his extensive research and writing skills to communicate ideas and concepts, with the aim to improve people’s lives.
Harsh trained as a Communication Engineer and published a MSc (Research) thesis, as well as worked in a variety of marketing and consultancy roles.
